Do I have a "bad boy"?

Dear Ms. Heidi
My son has recently turned five, and he has started to conduct what I call "bad
boy" syndrome behavior. If I ask him to do something that he does not want to
do, or if I let him know his behavior is not appropriate, he says to me, "I am not
good. I am a bad boy" And the whole good/bad dichotomy is something that I try
to smooth over with him. I don't know how to respond to this when he says it
besides telling him, "No, you are good." But that feels too simple and
dismissive of more complicated feelings he might be having.

Do you have any advice for a better response –– one that expresses my need to
convey my request for corrected behavior and lets him know that I love him and
that he is valued?

Dear Parents,
Most of us long to be good and hate to disappoint those who love us. Children feel this same way, but without much life experience, they can often feel overwhelmed by the pressure to follow all the rules around them. Just like your son, many children at the age of five or six begin thinking in polarities. Tattling reaches a peak at this time, as does the rush to be first in line, or to be the “best” at something. They also love to point out whenever others make mistakes but shrink from admitting their own blunders. A child’s thinking can become very dualistic, and like everything else, they depend upon us to teach them that mistakes and failure are a part of all our lives. We can be good people, AND we can do wrong things. Mistakes might make us feel bad, AND we can learn from them!

Feeling like they have done something bad often makes a child feel isolated, which can deepen feelings of helplessness or shame, making it that much harder to learn from a situation. Children learn best when they are connected to their loving adult. I have discovered some practices that might inspire you to remain connected to your child as they learn to navigate their world.

One year, while working with a child who would collapse whenever he made a mistake or had to try something new, I started telling stories to the class about some of the “naughty” things I had done as a child, usually because I hadn’t listened to my parents or because I was trying to be funny. The stories led to a lot a laughter, as well as many reprimands and safety lectures from the children. My confessions seemed to open a door for the children to talk about their own mistakes or lessons they had learned by doing something wrong, and to give us a shared experience of learning about life. I’ve continued telling my “naughty stories” and love to see the relief and laughter on each child’s face as they hear for the first time of all the many ways I messed up as a child.

Another strategy that helps diffuse a situation and offer a solution, is a “do-over.” If I
have observed something or another child has complained about someone, I walk over and say, “Hmmmmm…. should we have a do-over?” Then we mimic erasing a chalk board and choosing another action, like asking for a toy instead of taking it, or walking around someone instead of pushing against them. Sometimes we will even pretend to restart the day, with the child walking into the classroom and handling the situation in a healthier way. If another child has been hurt, we ask that child what would make them feel better.

I have found that giving a child a way to make things right helps them to work through the feelings of embarrassment, regret, or healthy shame that might arise when a mistake is made. If I stay beside the child, I can show them that I love them and believe in them, despite the mistake. If something is spilled or broken, we find the mop or the broom. If a friend is hurt, we offer the healing basket, a drink of water, or a cool cloth.

On one occasion when a group of children plucked all the satsumas off our tree without permission, I asked them to be protectors of the tree, to water it whenever they noticed it was dry, and to watch over its little blossoms during the growing season so that the next year it would produce. They also each brought in a bag of satsumas for the class to replace the crop they destroyed. In this case, they couldn’t “undo” their actions by putting the fruit back on the tree, but they could become active parts of the solution and help other children from making the same mistake.
If a child has developed a “bad habit” and restorative actions haven’t helped them
change their behavior, sometimes a simple puppet show with the child’s dolls or stuffed animals might bring about change. Perhaps there is a puppy who always bites her litter mates or steals their chew bones, and gradually finds that there are no puppies left who want to play with her. Perhaps she learns to bring her chew bones out to play and share with the other puppies. Perhaps she licks or gently rubs the spots where she has bitten the puppies to show that she is sorry. This little puppet show can be repeated every day for a week or more, letting it gently sink into the child’s mind. No explanation is necessary. The puppies can “live “with your family for many months, appearing in any little story that is appropriate for what your child is working on. It might be fun to see what kind of puppy story your child is called to share with you! Learning to bring appropriate humor into tense situations, finding ways to help a child become a part of a solution, and using stories from your own childhood or imagination will honor your child’s need for connection while helping your child face the inevitable and valuable experiences of failure and mistake-making.

I’ll see you at school,
Ms. Heidi